Humor
TOP Stories PicturesBUTT PRINTS IN THE
SAND
Author Unknown
One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there were seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord, they are too big for feet."
"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."
"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."
"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."
\__/\__/
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting to have his bike worked on, too. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic who straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also open up hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running!"
A few minutes before the services started, the
townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at
the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each
other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had
exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew
without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in
his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know
who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, I ain't", said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY
for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of
me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48
years."
Little Timmy was in the garden
filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what
the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up
to there, Timmy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, without looking up,
"and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn't it?"
Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's
inside your cat."
A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?" "Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that he choked on it, sir."
A guy is at the pearly gates,
waiting to be admitted, while St Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if
the guy is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to
the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your
life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me
of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I
was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists
assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and
sure enough there they were, about 50 of 'em, torturing this chick. Infuriated,
I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to
the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain
running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the
KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I rip the leader's chain
off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around
and yell to the rest of them, "leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're
all a bunch of sick, deranged animals. Go home before I teach you all a lesson
in pain!"
" St, Peter, impressed, says "Really? when did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
A biker arrived at his bro's house to get ready for the big run that weekend. His thoughts were on the run as he walked up to the porch, he couldn't help but notice the hugh dog sitting next to the door.When his bro answered the door he asked, "is that your dog?" "Yea, I got him for the ol lady", was the response. "No kiddin. I always kept my mouth shut bout your ol lady but, I gotta say, nice trade"
A dumb blonde went to a soda machine. She inserted two
quarters and pushed the RED button. She heard some noise, and saw a can of Coke
emerge. She then started searching her large purse for some more money. About
this time, a biker came up behind her, and waited patiently for her to finish.
She located a dollar bill and inserted it into the machine. More noises. She
then pressed the Green button, and was rewarded with a can of Sprite. She
fumbled with the change in the Return slot, and put it back into the Deposit
slot. She then pushed the Orange button, and received a can of Crush. The biker
then asked her, "Are you finished YET?" She then replied,
"Finished, Nothin'! I'm still winning!"
A Honda rider decided to travel to Europe by cruise ship
and managed to secure passage on the same boat as a bunch of Harley riders.
Midway through the voyage, the ship sank and the ricer wound up in a three-man
lifeboat with the ship's captain and two of the HD riders. The captain announced
that someone would have to get out. "We'll do it right though," he
said. "The three of you will be given a fair test and the loser will jump
out." Everyone agreed, so the captain turned to one of the Harley riders
and asked, "What was the largest ocean liner to sink in the past
century?" "The Titanic." "Right," said the captain.
Turning to the other Harley rider, he asked, "How many people were on the
Titanic?" "2463" "That's correct," the captain stated.
Fixing a hard eye on the ricer, he then said, "Name 'em."